Happy Anniversary

When I woke up 12 years ago this morning...from a night of fitful sleep...I could have never dreamed what this day, 12 years ago, would be the beginning of. Yes, I knew I was marrying the man I had been dating for almost three years, but I honestly was too young to understand that it was more than just a cliche' that my life really would "never be the same," as of this day. For those of you who know me well, you know that I am not that great with change. This is really a gross understatement, because there are times when change makes me physically ill. Getting married was a huge change, obviously. So my wedding day was not the joyful occasion is usually is for brides. I cried most of the day and pretty much for the next three years straight and intermittently since then. Poor Steve.

We got married, took a limo 45 minutes east to our first hotel, where a U-haul truck waited to take me away from everything that was familiar and easy. Yes, on top of the giant change of getting married, we also moved all the way across the country. Big Change #2. Every night of the honeymoon Steve would get me to stop sobbing by telling me he'd take me back home the next day. I would fall into an exhausted-from-crying-all-day sleep. Then I would wake up the next morning and feel like maybe I could go on toward Boston for one more day. Steve says I either cried or slept the whole 10 days we drove to Boston. Nice honeymoon huh? I will say it again, poor Steve. He should have left me on the side of the road, but what has proven true to his character over and over, he is loyal and stubborn and he doesn't give up on people. (Even people he should give up on).

We made it to Boston. We survived and even enjoyed our time there (thanks to some true friends who visited). We definitely grew up a lot there by navigating around a city we'd never been, braving blizzards, walking a block to do laundry, surviving on $1400 a month, starting jobs at a strange school, just to name a few of our growing up experiences. We returned home to California, two years later, with the idea that life was finally going to be a little easier for us, only to discover I was pregnant with girl-child #1. Three girl-children later, a new house, financial struggle, job changes, car accident, good memories, bad memories, more growing experiences and cliff hanging circumstances we are now celebrating 12 years together. I told him last night, at the end of the day, he really is my perfect match. He said, "what about the beginning of the day?"

This morning when Courtney jumped into bed with me and said, with her little hand on my face, "I love you sooo much mama, I just had to come tell you....can you fix me breakfast," I was overwhelmed with the memory of this morning 12 years ago. I was so sad, so young, so worried, but had I known what was coming, had I know what waited for me because of this decision of marriage, I think I could have done it all better. If some one had set me down and said, "Yes, this will be the most challenging thing, and the most uncomfortable you've ever been, but just wait for the good stuff that is coming....you can't even imagine." Maybe I would have enjoyed the steps it took to get here, instead of kicking and screaming through most of it. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned here. Just maybe....

....maybe I won't have to kick and scream through the next 12 years which I know will include my three girls becoming teenagers, learning to drive, bringing home boys they like, forming opinions that have nothing to do with me, making decisions that I wish they wouldn't make, and slowly leaving the home Steve and I have made for them. I know that there are going to be a lot of tough times in the future, but I am guessing that the good stuff that is coming...I still can't even imagine. Of all the unknowns that the future holds, Steve's love for me and loyalty to me and his girls has proven itself over and over. I have a partner, a steady, confident partner, that won't have to pull me through the next 12 years, but that will walk through these years with me.

There is something very comforting and secure about knowing that.