Oh, how wrong I was. The need to be approved of only became stronger and more sophisticated. Especially when it came to how I looked or dressed. I have always hated to be looked at in anyway. I think it goes back to being called ugly in fifth grade, or the guys who made fun of my yellow tights in Kindergarten as I got onto the bus, or the girl who made fun of my Lee jeans in junior high, or....I could go on and on. I'm sure everyone has their stories, but mine have caused an unnatural insecurity that still plagues me to this day. Now, before you think I am trying to get sympathy, let me announce that I know I am weird in this area. I know that I am still stuck in the mentality of high school that if you are ugly, or not stylish, you are unacceptable on all levels. I know this is not true and at age 34 1/2 I am almost over it, and will basically wear what I want and hold my head high no matter what.
Well I thought I was over it, until last Wednesday.
You see, I had purchased a very cute hoodie that happened to be red and white striped. I bought the shirt with a pair of white pants and thought I would be sooo cute someday when I was brave enough to wear white pants. (Maybe on board a ship when I was being the first mate or something). Anyway, not feeling particularly brave last Wednesday I wore the shirt with jeans. Red white, and blue always look good together. For me, walking out in front of a group is always difficult. I still struggle with the egocentric feeling that when I walk into a room everyone stops what they are doing and looks at me with a critical eye. I know it is ridiculous, and those of you who know me well, are shaking your head at my arrogance, but to know me is to constantly be shaking your head. So walking onto stage for rehearsal on Wednesday was as daunting as it always is, but I did it and smiled confidently. Then it happened, the thing I fear everyday, someone looked at me and noticed something that had to be joked about. I don't remember from whence it came, but I heard muffled laughter and a "There's Waldo!" I laugh even as I write, because yes I did have on the perfect combination of colors to be Waldo. I hadn't even thought of that. Then as I tried to regain my composure from almost bursting into tears in embarrassment, another person whom I call friend put up a sign that read, "Where's Waldo?" So this underscored that what I was wearing was indeed joke material. If two people said something in that short of a time span, the whole choir and orchestra were probably all thinking the same thing. I was immediately taken back to that sick feeling in high school when you knew you had worn something socially unacceptable, but you still had to go through the whole remaining day of school. That feeling of not wanting to make eye contact with anyone, and if your gym clothes were not already so smelly that you would wear those for the day. Yes, I still get those feelings. However, I did recover quite nicely...I think. I knew how hard I was struggling to not run off the stage and go home. So my response showed that I have ever so slightly matured past the age of 15...
After, Mr. Dr. said, "Really you had no idea when you were buying that shirt that it was a Waldo shirt....maybe the rack of "Where's Waldo" books next to it should have been a clue."
I swallowed my embarrassment and said, "If Waldo had looked this good, he would have sold a lot more books."
4 comments:
Yes, but will you ever wear said shirt again?
The Dr. friend of yours is really a funny guy – really it was quite funny! Soooo, just a thought, the other "friend" with the sign -- did he ( I assume the clueless person is a guy) use a sign because he couldn't verbally speak to you? Possibly, they were incased in Plexiglas booth, with a ceiling of sound absorbent foam, and drumset around them! Meaning the sign was just a way to communicate not a heartless attempt to taunt or embarrass you or take you back to the horror of high school fashion critics. Give the guy a break…
–Your come back was absolutely right on –I am sure you put those two ignoramuses in their place -- good for you… In fact you should take this new found confidence for a test drive, show people you are your own woman… wear the Waldo shirt AND hat to next rehearsal.
I’m root’n for ya –
Your “friend”
Greetings all,
Mr.Dr here, thought I would post a quick reply this afternoon. First off, Mr. “Plexiglass encased Bubble boy” and I consider ourselves friends of Mrs. Federer-err-I-mean Merrick, and thus would never intentionally make her relive the apparent “horrors” of her childhood . . . I’m sure if we had known in advance that it would cause her this much angst and consternation . . . we would have simply thought it (+/- smirk) and kept our mouths/signs silent . . .
However, that being said, I do feel that Bubbles and I are getting a slightly unfair rap . . . I don’t think we’re quite the ugly yellow tights kindergarten aversion monsters we’re being made out to be. In fact, I dare say that Bubbles and I had the exact reaction (upon seeing the over-sized candy cane hoodie in question) that most of you reading this blog would have had in the same situation. To illustrate my point, I asked Mrs. Mr.Dr Blue eyes to put her extensive computer hacking skills to good use and access the church server archive of parking structure webcam images. It turns out there’s a partial screenshot image (though a bit blurry) from the night in question revealing a portion of the sanctuary entrance. I’ve forwarded this image to Mrs. F-M in hopes that she will upload the image onto her blog. I’m trusting in her journalistic integrity and sense of “fair play” that she will in fact do so. I think if everyone had a chance to see the image in question up close, you could each make a decision for yourselves on how you would have responded . . .
Remember, sometimes it's only funny becasue it's true . . .
Mr.Dr
Hey, so I'd like to point out that the person who you FIRST saw in the shirt that evening was practically bouncing up and down with excitement at how cute you were. Which is why this person actually encouraged you to purchase this shirt. And no offense to bubbles and misters and doctors and other people I'm not quite sure who they are, this fashionista thinks it rocks. And would you rather look like me or them, huh huh? Case closed. Wear the shirt. Anyone who makes fun can come and i'll beat them up for you and then we'll OWN the school, I tell you - you and me will run this place one day. -- The Producer.
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